Monday, 8 May 2017

How is your daughter doing these days?

I've got a backlog of other things to write about, but they are all daunting and I've been procrastinating. I think this is something I can just write about. 

Someone on Reddit asked How is your daughter doing these days? Which is really nice and very touching.  Rather than just answer on reddit, I thought I write here for anyone else who either worries about her and me, and also to share with other parents.

The thing is, people fall into the trans cult in very obvious, very hackneyed ways. 

The quiet kid, self conscious, lesbian, very smart, but not street wise, not good at reading people and social situations. The internet and tumblr, the changes from a bit butch to trans man (boy?) , the self obsession, the rages, the narcissism. The vicious circle of dysphoria and social trans, binders and heightened self-consciousness.

Its easy to tell that story without giving identifying details about my daughter. My reactions were also pretty typical, the only exceptional thing is that I write this stuff and she doesn't know about that. We could be one of thousands of kids and parents.

But I think every journey out of trans is unique.  So I have to be very circumspect.

So yes there are things happening. Its hard to tell, because shes away at uni, but she seems to be getting really into her subject, She is maybe, finding an identity outside of trans. Doing things that are not on the internet and finding a pride in the strengths of her body. 

She has a lover, who seems really nice, they came for a weekend, we all ate together, had a few drinks, shared jokes. We all used real names and pronouns and there were no shocked looks or tantrums.

I have no clue whether they are in some sort of trans weirdness or just getting teenage kicks. I can't ask, because of Ignore Redirect and Reward but they make a fine couple, They obviously fancy each other, have got a shared sense of humour and can take the piss out of each other.

I know that, as a dad, I'm supposed to be agin all this sort of thing. But actually I glad she's managed to find something that not an abusive relationship with a MtT, where she has to validate his identity, nor a liberal feminism approved succession of grim hookups. They seem good for each other and frankly if you are enjoying your sexuality, you are less likely to mess your body up with hormones and surgery.

Like many young people, I think that, in her social circle, being trans-skeptical is akin to being a nazi, but I think it may be getting to be a bit of a chore instead of an identifying passion.

She still wears a binder, which rips my heart to see, but less often. She dresses in mens clothes, but in a manner that would have been un-remarkable in 1985. 

So I'm hopeful, I think.


  1. Hi; I've just opened a blog
    he's only four so not exactly the same situation as yours, but i don't really have any one to talk to about it, so if you could visit now and then I would be most greatful

    1. Hi Kirista,

      I tried to leave a comment on your blog, but I'm not sure if it got thru.

      I’ve just had a quick read of your blog.

      I am not an expert, I’m not any sort of childrearing expert or a psychologist. My views are based on my experience as the father of a teenage girl who first decided she was lesbian and then transgender. The only people who made sense to me were the radical feminists and Lesbians of and people like 4th Wave, Rebecca Reilly-Cooper and so on.

      Your situation sounds terrifying. There’s so much stuff in media and so many people telling us that we must go along with whatever a child says. I’m sure you’ve read the “better a happy daughter than a dead son” message, times.

      I hope your boy can carry on being a lovely, slightly strange little boy. Just like I was. He might be gay, he might be straight. I just hope he can understand that he can be a splendid boy, who love Frozen and rocks a sparkly dress.

  2. I'm wondering, does it get worse before it gets better? My daughter is (soon to be) 16 and has identified as a boy for about six months. She said before that she was lesbian. It seems we are on a downward spiral. As she has been diagnosed ADHD and bipolar (and perhaps psychosis? - her doctor is attempting to refine meds to stop some voices she is hearing), it seems clear to me that it is the mental issues speaking through her.

    I am in my late 50's and this is all such an impossible concept for me. There are times (increasingly) where I just want her to be happy and am ready to acquiesce to her wishes to change.

    1. I'm not an expert, all I can talk about is my own experience.

      For me it got worse, then maybe it got a bit better. I learned how to stop fighting trans thru her, and got together with other parents to resist it.

      Theres great stuff on, and

      One of the things that really made my mind up was reading the stories of women who had been thru the trans machine. There a few here:

      The quiet dignity they showed was such a contrast to the hyped up bulshit that comes from the trans lobby. Theres an example here with a brilliant dissection.

      Its hard, you have to make your own mind up. It hurts like hell to see your kid hurting, but I really do believe that trans is not the answer.

      Feel free to email me, I've added my email to the side bar, If you want to talk out of the public eye.

    2. Left a link out, sorry.


  3. My name is Liam, and I work for a TV production company, and we are at the early stages of researching a program on transgender, I'm currently are looking to talk to people with a broad and sometimes controversial view (according to mainstream media) on the subject matter.

    Having read several of your blog posts and some of the comments on the comment pages I would like to have an informal talk with you about your blog. Would this be possible?

    If you have any questions, then please do ask and I'll answer them to the best to my ability.

    I hope to talk to you soon,

    1. Hi Liam,

      You haven't left a contact details :-)

      I'd love to talk with you, can you drop me a note with a reply address? My email is on the sidebar.

      I would be helpful if you included some links about your work so I can suss you out a bit. I have been messed around with something rotten by journos before. They either just want a token bit of balance to a show written largely by Mermaids, or they bottle out of daring to give a gender critical person a voice.

  4. Glad to hear things are looking so positive. I've followed your blog since the start and, if it's any comfort, I get the impression your daughter is lucky to have you. I know another parent in your position whose daughter is also starting to grow up and, very slowly, moving away from the trans cult. For some teens it seems trans really can be a phase they go through - which makes it all the more vital that they be steered well away from permanent body mods or meds.


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