Monday, 14 November 2016

Choice, Possibilities and Who You Are.

My daughters at a stage of life where she has all her choices laid out in front of her. It should be a great time, full of exciting possibilities.

I think she's decided the world of make-up and centring herself around men and boys is not for her. She may be attracted to women, she may not, but I don’t think she identifies with the vision of sexuality offered by either the world of women’s magazines or the world of porn. That makes sense, that’s healthy.

All the straight boys are porn sick. They have had smart phones since 2010. Ever present through their puberty, always 2 mins and a few clicks away from the jackhammer, grim faced business of adult sexuality. That is their sex education. That is what they think is real sex. Real men fuck hard, real men use sex to show their manliness, real men master the game of dominance and degradation, they smash it and wreak it. They may be crude and obvious, part of rape culture, or they may be sophisticated and keep a veneer of support for sex positive, inclusive non-shaming feminism. Whatever they are in charge. It’s serious and it’s all about fucking hard. Women’s pleasure is indistinguishable from women’s pain and all comes from powerful, pounding penetration.

If there are lesbians in this world, they are merely fluffers, waiting for the main event. Liberal feminism tells lesbians that they are transphobic and bigoted. Lesbians just not cool, its old.

When she looks at the world what alternatives can she see? The one that, at the moment, makes most sense to her is the world of trans.

If she is a transman, or some flavour of trans lite, non-binary whatever, she can step outside that. She can be queer, she can have some hope of a sexuality that is not totally centred on hard penetrative sex. I’m convinced its a false hope, leading to a life of dysphoria, and just a different set of roles, but I can see how she come to that view.

There are women who can offer a different vision of the future for young women like her.

Lesbians, some who have been lesbians all their lives, some who have loved men and now love women. Some and loud and political, some just want to get on with a quiet life.

Feminists, real feminists – ‘the difficult kind’, not apologists trying to make feminism acceptable to men and inclusive to whatever men want to do.

Ordinary women who just can’t be arsed with the whole femininity performance. Women who have more important things in their life than worrying about all the gender bullshit. Women raising kids, women pursuing careers.

These women are diverse; they are the people who keep thing running. Some are extraordinary some are ordinary.

They are becoming invisible. They are not reality TV stars, they are not featured in the glammed up word of celebrity.

If they are visible they are dismissed as nasty, or white feminists, their voice is silenced because they have cis-privilege.

These women give me hope. Hope that by being there and getting seen they can offer a different future to my daughter.


  1. "Women’s pleasure is indistinguishable from women’s pain"

    Damn. That is insightful.

  2. Thank you for this. It should be required reading for all girls and their parents.

  3. Gender Critical Dad you always write with so much insight. I am one of those ordinary women. And I am beginning to feel guilty for 'allowing' this to happen. Why didn't we see it coming? Why do we feel so powerless to do anything about it. I just want to gather up all these young women and tell them "just wait a while, it'll all be alright, you'll see". But of course I can't, I'm too ordinary to be listened to.

  4. Yes, those women ARE becoming invisible. You have to make an effort to find them/us. Which is why I was delighted, absolutely astounded and delighted, with the current tv program MARS. Just watched the last episode and who discovers and announces life on Mars? Not one, not two, but THREE FEMALE astronauts, and one FEMALE bureaucrat. MUST WATCH. MUST SEE. MUST PUT POSTER ON BEDROOM WALL>

  5. I am so sick and sorry about the world your daughter has to grow up in, and how scary things have gotten for teenage girls :S. If she's on fbk, please encourage her to join the 'Refuse To Date Men Who Use Porn' group. There are lots of us proper feminists there, of all ages and we can give her some good advice and support :). All the best.

  6. I can't see how "trans"would be a logical choice. But very good summation of a young girl's dilemma. BTW - not all straight boys are porn freaks. My two boys are game freaks, which does have its problems, but never hard porn shit.


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