Choice, Possibilities and Who You Are.

My daughters at a stage of life where she has all her choices laid out in front of her. It should be a great time, full of exciting possibilities.

I think she's decided the world of make-up and centring herself around men and boys is not for her. She may be attracted to women, she may not, but I don’t think she identifies with the vision of sexuality offered by either the world of women’s magazines or the world of porn. That makes sense, that’s healthy.

All the straight boys are porn sick. They have had smart phones since 2010. Ever present through their puberty, always 2 mins and a few clicks away from the jackhammer, grim faced business of adult sexuality. That is their sex education. That is what they think is real sex. Real men fuck hard, real men use sex to show their manliness, real men master the game of dominance and degradation, they smash it and wreak it. They may be crude and obvious, part of rape culture, or they may be sophisticated and keep a veneer of support for sex positive, inclusive non-shaming feminism. Whatever they are in charge. It’s serious and it’s all about fucking hard. Women’s pleasure is indistinguishable from women’s pain and all comes from powerful, pounding penetration.

If there are lesbians in this world, they are merely fluffers, waiting for the main event. Liberal feminism tells lesbians that they are transphobic and bigoted. Lesbians just not cool, its old.

When she looks at the world what alternatives can she see? The one that, at the moment, makes most sense to her is the world of trans.

If she is a transman, or some flavour of trans lite, non-binary whatever, she can step outside that. She can be queer, she can have some hope of a sexuality that is not totally centred on hard penetrative sex. I’m convinced its a false hope, leading to a life of dysphoria, and just a different set of roles, but I can see how she come to that view.

There are women who can offer a different vision of the future for young women like her.

Lesbians, some who have been lesbians all their lives, some who have loved men and now love women. Some and loud and political, some just want to get on with a quiet life.

Feminists, real feminists – ‘the difficult kind’, not apologists trying to make feminism acceptable to men and inclusive to whatever men want to do.

Ordinary women who just can’t be arsed with the whole femininity performance. Women who have more important things in their life than worrying about all the gender bullshit. Women raising kids, women pursuing careers.

These women are diverse; they are the people who keep thing running. Some are extraordinary some are ordinary.

They are becoming invisible. They are not reality TV stars, they are not featured in the glammed up word of celebrity.

If they are visible they are dismissed as nasty, or white feminists, their voice is silenced because they have cis-privilege.

These women give me hope. Hope that by being there and getting seen they can offer a different future to my daughter.