My life seems split into parts. Walls of secrets delimiting them and twisting me. A lot of stuff to do, but it has to be put aside to talk rubbish about the telly with my daughter. Because actually that's the best thing I can do for her and the most important thing I do.
The life with my family, pretending to be normal, not mentioning trans, trying to keep thing real, showing love and a normal life in actions and habits. The life where I am a so-so dad, getting meals cooked, washing up, shopping, taking people places and fetching them back, taking the bins out.
Occasionally that blows up, arguments and resentments explode. Resolutions are made and forgotten . Ideas of what I should do race round my head followed by a slamming wave of fear of how it could go wrong. I should confront, argue the case. I should make her read stuff, watch vids, confront the darks side of trans activism. I should sit down and ask her to just tell me how things got this way, re-establish connection and used long forgotten skills to just listen, not correct, not argue just listen.
Its all more scary than just carrying on. The downside risk is enormous. Its bearable at the moment, don't break it. Things are maybe getting better, just hang on it, building her up, showing love, living love. Please god let her peak trans be as painless as possible.
Lets face it, if I was a better dad, I wouldn't be here typing this. I have my own sexism, my own selfishness, my own anger. I have failed to listen to my daughter. I have failed to hear the pain of trying to fit herself in the role of woman was causing her. I have failed to realize that the pain was real, not imagined. I have failed to show her, in love and actions, not lectures, that she is great as she is.
The hours with just me and my partner, just being normal, a place to rest from trans and online, to tell each other we are still good people, or to share my online stuff, steal ideas from her, or check that something I'm about to say isn't really dickish.Its so precious
The on-line Gender Critical Dad, the edited best parts, telling my story for others to not feel so alone or trying to stir things up or maybe just playing for sympathy. If you read GCD then you see someone way nicer than the guy sat here typing.
Being GC Dad has let me learn so much from the people I've talked to online, particularly radical feminists on reddit and twitter, and other parents and professionals. Everything I have written, outside of my personal story, is either just bigging up other people, or stolen ideas from other people.
I had to learn from feminism, it was the only thing that made sense of
trans, but it also asked some hard questions about myself, how I live my
life. Its made me realize how deep sexism goes, how it leads me to be a
wanker sometimes, but also how it limits me.
The Radical Feminism I found teaches me that I need to reject
masculinity. not as a grand gesture to the world, but in life and
actions with those I care about. Not as a declaration. Not out of guilt or shame, but a hunger to be more fully
human. Its not a one off thing, its a constant questioning of 'why am I
doing this shit?'
I write this stuff, in part,because its better than having a chest full of feeling that I can't make sense of. If I can write it down it becomes easier to understand myself.
I write this stuff, in part, to let other people know they are not alone, my personal story seems to have connected with some people and in some way helped them, which is just so good.
I write this stuff, in part to contribute to the cause. Whatever that is, 'defeating the Transgender doctrine and the dogma of Gender Identity' I guess. I keep saying that with some combination of doctrine, dogma and ideology, not really having a complete and precise understanding of the differences.
I really am a bit of a fraud, I have no real humanities education, beyond reading loads of books when I was younger. Writing is painful for me, I'll take a break from writing to pull my nose hairs out. I have no experience of doing politics and can barely string a coherent argument together.
What is really weird is when people quote me as a source or big up stuff I've written. I can't deny that its immensely flattering, you write stuff in the hope someone will read it, and of course you hope they will get something from it. People have used stuff I've said as mottos for their blogs, or quoted me on twitter suggesting I have some real depth of knowledge.
I've got involved with other people trying to do stuff. I say activism but that sounds way more than I do. I hope I contribute something. I think that just the existence of a GC Dad is useful, someone who can stand up and say that not all parents support trans, that there might be another story. Of course I'm doing a huge amount of mansplaining. The GC Dad voice will get heard sometimes when women's voices are not. That sucks, but it gets heard and it says stuff that I hope women are OK with. .
Meeting other people, face to face who share my views on trans does me so much good, gives me hope, helps to keep my faith in my sanity.
I meet other parents, its a relief to know you are not alone and other parents are just normal, nice farty parents like ourselves. We support each other and work to make a difference in the world. All the time we understand each others fragility, we know that commitment is hard when our worlds can collapse around us. We can share feelings too raw to say in public. The rage and despair of seeing your flesh and blood drift into the cult and turn against you. The joy of a normal day and smiles and fresh air and sunshine and your kid just being herself and not performing gender.
I meet a lot of radical feminists. They are lovely, warm, funny great people. They may be, justifiably and rationally, untrusting of men, they may have, justifiably and rationally a real anger and rage about the way men have treated and continue to treat women. A lot of them won't take any shit, but why should they? They laugh a lot and tell filthy jokes. They have a wisdom and a strength that could be such an inspiration for us all. Good people.
I have met a lot of lesbians and many of them have been quietly challenging deep gender stereotypes for years, not by declaring themselves men, or trans light but just women who are not what is expected of women. Women who have a calm, confident and commanding physical presence. Some who would merit and I think enjoy being complemented as dapper or even handsome. They can have all sorts of attributes from the 'masculine' box and they carry them magnificently without becoming any less women. Not demanding that people say they are what they are not, only that people accept that they are women, just different. They probably don't give a toss what I think which is fair enough. That's how it should be.
I have met trans people who reject the trans dogma and its imposition of a politically driven narrative onto their lives. Lovely blokes who seem to have a deep affection for women and a desire to learn from them
Its great that at least some people think I'm not talking out my arse all the time. Its also terrifying: GC Dad has to do the right thing. The future of thousands of kids is in the balance. Will they become adults happy with who they are and able to love who they want with healthy whole bodies. Or will they grow up constantly performing a gender, hyper-aware of other peoples perceptions, dependant on surgery and drugs to force a body into the distorted parody of gendered expectations.
GCDad is part of a movement now. I may lose my battle, I have to face that and work out how to survive with trans being in my life. But the movement and the struggle will continue and we will beat trans eventually.
Yes that is merely faith, I need that faith to keep going. I cannot accept that the lies of transgender dogma will replace reality..